Dear Aunty aka Auntyji, That lady, Phootni, Big mouth etc
Thank you for making churmuri outta my life, no seriously ‘thank you’. Thank you so much for being a flippantly loose-lipped has been who, after stuffing your ladla/ ladli’s faces with ghee-rich food and stomping your husband’s existence out of society, you very generously angle your ‘concern’ onto us PYT’s of the society, ‘just because’ the world is a cruel, ‘misleading’ place.
It’s lovely that you have conditioned me to dress impeccably when I have to visit you. But, when it comes to your Daughter-in-law, wow! The love you give her shows how the frikkin sky is the limit! Thank you for making me thickly skinned enough to sweat it out gracefully in the prime heatwave of summer in itchy Patiala’s and Kurtis, but I feel bad that your Bahu romps around the house in the shortest shorts and the awkwardly cut sleeveless tops. Wah! Way to discipline the younger generation! Please give yourself a cookie!
It’s really wonderful that you, who lived ‘formerly’ in the UK or USA takes cleanliness way too seriously even though you are back home! It’s great that everything in your kitchen smells of naphthalene balls, I heard that it’s very appetizing to eat in this condition. Thanks for mercilessly cutting us ‘wild’ young ladies down by pointing out how inelegantly plump we have turned (are you sure you have got your eyes checked recently dear aunty?) and how you would never have let your kid become so. (Bless your kid who jumped at the first chance to study and settle abroad). I know that it’s hard for you to adjust here even if it’s on the 20th floor of a well-established builder’s 4 bhk project. It pales in comparison to how clean your ‘former foreign’ downtown 1 bhk locality was compared to the dump you live in now.
I am really sorry for showing up to your house for food unannounced, even when my parents drop me off there in good faith (It’s really ironic that you make a big fuss if I don’t come when you invite the whole family over, even though you know I have finals coming up). I love your method of taking me to a corner to say that some stuff will be served sparingly because uncle’s NRI cousins who have dropped in had ‘specially’ requested for them and that there will be no curd rice since there is very less curd (there is only 2ltrs). The dominos branch near my place would like to thank you for making me a frequent customer.
I am really sorry that no one is free enough to talk (‘GOSSIP’) with you nowadays. Believe me, I never had a hand in the ‘false’ news spread around that you have your own way of digging out crucial news and can make anyone pour out everything with no though censor to the after effect. It’s not that bad, right? You have your sister’s posse who are still waiting for stuff to ‘discuss’ with you about the next door boy’s awfully tall wife if I’m not mistaken? I give you all the credit for the quieter girl that I have become post your spreading of the ‘hot news’ that I had come out of my lady care doctor’s clinic looking flushed and pink while holding a big black cover.
I still am in shock at how much effort you put to make my younger brother outshine me. May I just drop in a suggestion that you may have an empty nest/lost son syndrome going on?, since it’s absolutely evident whenever you go on a
scolding advising spree on my case even though I am on my most impeccable behavior whenever I visit you. It’s very obvious that you are substituting the love for your absent son onto my brother by waxing eloquently on how handsome he looks, while at the same time comparing how plump I have got while he has ‘withered away’ and become thin, even though you know that I have been under medication for allergies from some time.
But seriously, it’s time you change my ‘loving’ concerned aunt, else I surely will by putting a case on you for invasion of privacy and spread of falsehood, for listening in on my conversations with my supposed ‘boyfriend’ (even if it’s my bestie’s 12yr old bro who picked the call)
Every young lass whose life you’ve poisoned
Image courtesy: theindianexpress.com